Cows are funny

A little post-election humor courtesy of my good friend, Becky.

The World Explained with Cows

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AME RICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock's price goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch an d drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a U.S. bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORAT ION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.
CALIFORNIAN
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks and comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow, but its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children."
The legislature passes a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations and the cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

Celeb-reality, birthday boy, Gobama FTW!

1. I had a brush with "celebrity" this weekend when I ran into "Mr Jay" from America's Next Top Model at Sea Tac. He was nice enough to pose for a pic with me after I took a picture of he and his family for him. He's very tall and very bronze. VERY bronze. ANTM is one of my guilty tv pleasures, and I should have asked him who won this cycle but I didn't want to be a fangirl. Go Elena!



2. My baby turns 16 today. How the hell am I old enough to have a 16 year old? Even more scary, how am I almost old enough to have a soon to be 18 year old?! Craziness! He's a really good kid and I'm so proud of the person he has become. Love you, Cole! He's spending the day with his dad but we have some fun things planned for the weekend. :)




3. In addition to this being a big day in the Lynch house, it's also a big day for the U. S of A. Either way it goes, it's going to be history in action today. Let's just hope that the right (left) person wins. Chris and I voted by mail and we'll be glued to the TV either at home or at an election party downtown. This is the first time in about 8 years that I am super excited about the results.

GoBama!!

Bumps in the night, Doggy bumps and birthday surprises

1. As most people know, Chris and I are early night people. We usually turn in between 9-9:30 and are conked out by 10. I had just fallen into a deep sleep last night when I heard a large BOOM. Tango started barking like crazy and my heart just about raced out of my body! Chris and I both went downstairs to investigate although I was pretty sure the noise had come from outside. Cole peeked out of his bedroom door to see what the commotion was all about. I was a bit freaked because Chris had just told me a story about a co-worker who heard a noise only to find a neighbor hiding behind his kitchen island. Apparently said neighbor had a drug issue and was ripping off other neighbors. Luckily, that wasn't the case here, but it was in the back of my mind! We never did figure out what the noise was, but it took me a good hour to fall back asleep with all the adrenalin coursing through my veins.

2. A few weeks ago, I took Tango to the vet to have some lumps checked out. Most of them were fatty cysts, but two were a bit questionable. The vet said she was 70% sure they were fine, but we should probably have them removed at some point. I decided to get a second opinion but life has been really hectic with my new schedule so I haven't made the appointment yet. Fast forward to this weekend - Chris was petting Kala and noticed a huge lump under her chin. I, of course, FREAKED OUT and starting crying that all of our dogs were become cancer patients! He calmed me down and said that he thought it was a new lump and was probably nothing. I made a vet appointment first thing Monday morning and the vet confirmed that it was indeed some sort of infection. WHEW! She's on antibiotics and her lump should go away shortly. Note to self: Make appointment for Tango next week!

3. Chris blogged this morning about my hatred of surprises. With my birthday coming up, I start pelting Chris and Cole with all sorts of questions about what we're doing and where we're going. Usually, I just get blank stares back because Chris loves surprises. I then go into my litany about how I hate surprises and since it's MY birthday, I shouldn't have to be surprised. It's only taken 11 years, but he finally gave in! I can't wait to go to the Harvest Vine! I'm enamoured with Spanish food and wine right now and I'm going to chow down on some nummy tapas!

Monkey waiters, birthdays and bleeding heart liberals

1. Our friend, Tom, knows of my love of monkeys and indulges me by sending me monkey videos from time to time. I woke up to this one this morning. I either need to go back to Japan or find out how to import one of these guys. Wouldn't it be awesome to be able to study and have my little monkey butler bring me a diet coke! I've tried with the dogs, but they're not having it.



2. October is birthday central for my friends and family. Starting with one of my sister's birthdays on October 3rd, there are seven other birthdays including my own all before the 20th of the month! Tonight is my mom's birthday so we're heading to Tacoma for dinner at Samurai Japanese Steakhouse and then back to my parents for the obligatory cake and ice cream. I make my mom's favorite cake every year - dark chocolate with an icing made from sweetened condensed milk and baking chocolate. It's pretty yummy, I must say! She makes me a banana cream pie for my birthday. We're all about traditions (ie: doing the same thing year after year) in my family which drives Chris nuts. He's all about the new and different!

3. I consider myself to be fairly liberal in my politics, especially when it comes to social policy. Since I'm minoring in Sociology, my liberal bent probably lends itself well to my studies. I'm taking a class this quarter called "Individual and Society" which, as the title suggests, discusses how individuals are shaped by society and vice versa. This week, the subject is poverty, race and crime. I have to say that the information is just frightening. For example, if you are a black man, you're more likely to be in jail than in college. I could go on and on with similar figures. I end up so fired up and outraged after class that I could probably give Michael Moore a run for his money. I'm writing a research paper on Conservatives, Fear and Social Policy. Should be a lot more interesting than recent papers I've had to write on qualitative psychological research methods!

This and that

1. After my first full week of fall quarter, I highly resemble the above picture. I've been out of school for 4 months and my brain is just not in perfect school working order yet. I'm taking two classes this fall: a sociology class for my minor and a stats class for my Psych major. I really think that the soc class will be interesting and one big plus is that it meets two afternoons a week. Unfortunately, while my stats class is only one day a week, that one day is Saturday from 10-1:30 - ick! Looks like my next stats class for winter quarter will also be on Saturdays so I will have limited weekend time for the next 6 months.

2. Speaking of weekends, a good friend of ours was in town this weekend so we had dinner together at the Pink Door on Saturday night. As we were walking around after dinner, we passed by the Paramount Theater where Phantom of the Opera is playing until next weekend. Jeff mentioned that he really liked the show and thought about trying to get tickets for Sunday night's performance. Chris and I had never seen it so we decided to go as well. We ended up scoring great tickets for the Sunday afternoon matinee - about 10 rows from the stage on the main floor. Fun show - I'm not a huge fan of musicals but the production was really good.

3. I'm reading the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer about teenage vampires in the NW. Our book club had decided to read the first book, Twilight, for our October choice but since I was between books, I actually read it before our September meeting - oops! I'm now finishing up book 3, Eclipse, and I'll be starting the 4th book, Breaking Dawn, tomorrow. All in all, it's an entertaining read - not much depth but the books are page-turners. I'm looking forward to the Twilight movie opening this fall.

Democrats are funny - Redeux!

For your viewing and entertainment pleasure. Wonder if Barack went out for an Orange Mocha Frappuccino after the debate?

Black holes and monkey colliding - the end of the world as we know it?

Well, I woke up this morning and the world hadn't come to an end even though the CERN "Big Bang" Hadron collider experiment took place today. There's still hope though since they just sent some protons crashing around. I'm sure once they start smashing more atoms and crap together that we'll all end up in some gaping black hole of nothingness. At least that's what these people think about the "doomsday device." I think that in light of these recent events, it's only fitting that I'm playing Spore and evolving my own species from cell to civilization. That way I'll be ready to repopulate the planet if need be.

Speaking of colliders, all this talk of smashing particles reminded me of my favorite Onion article of all time - the Super Monkey Collider.

October 22, 1996 | Issue 30•11

Congress voted Monday to cut federal funding for the superconducting monkey collider, a controversial experiment which has cost taxpayers an estimated $7.6 billion a year since its creation in 1983.

Monkeys relax in the main hallway of the abandoned collider, which, if successful, would have smashed the primates together at near-light speeds.

The collider, which was to be built within a 45-mile-long circular tunnel, would accelerate monkeys to near-light speeds before smashing them together. Scientists insist the collider is an important step toward understanding the universe, because no one can yet say for certain what kind of noises monkeys would make if collided at those high speeds.

"It could be a thump, a splat, or maybe even a sound that hasn't yet been heard by human ears," said project head Dr. Eric Reed Friday, in an impassioned plea to Congress. "How are we supposed to understand things like the atom or the nature of gravity if we don't even know what colliding monkeys sound like?"

But Congress, under heavy pressure from the powerful monkey rights lobby, decided that money being spent on the monkey collider would be put to better use in other areas of government. Now, with funding cut off, the future of our nation's monkey collision program looks bleak.

Congress began funding the monkey collider in 1983, after Reed convinced lawmakers that the U.S. was lagging behind the Soviet Union in monkey-colliding technology. Funds were quickly allocated so that Reed could spend a week procuring monkeys on Florida's beautiful Captiva Island. Though Reed returned with a great tan and a beautiful young fiancee, he reported that there were no monkeys to be found on the sunny Gulf Coast island. Congress funded subsequent trips to the Cayman Islands, Bora Bora and Cancun, but these searches also yielded negative results.

Two years passed without a single monkey being procured, and Congress was close to cutting the project's funding. It was then that Reed got the idea to utilize monkeys already being bred in captivity. The Congressional Subcommittee for Scientific Investigation was enthralled by the idea of watching caged monkeys copulate, and increased funding by 40 percent.

With a steady supply of monkeys ensured, construction of the monkey collider began on a scenic Colorado site. Despite environmental pressure, a mountain was levelled to facilitate construction of the seven-mile-wide complex. Huge underground tunnels were dug, at a cost of billions of dollars and 17 lives. Money left over was used to build resort homes, spas and video arcades for Reed, his colleagues and several Congressmen.

Construction of the collider's acceleration mechanism was delayed for years, as scientists couldn't decide how to get the monkeys up to smashing speed. Last month, it was finally decided that the collider would employ a system in which the monkeys run through the tunnels chasing holographic projections of bananas. "Monkeys love bananas," Reed said, "and they're willing to run extremely fast to get them."

But now it seems the acceleration mechanism may never be built. With the monkey collider placed on indefinite hold, the huge research facility in Colorado lies dormant.

To keep the space from going to waste, Congress Monday voted to convert the empty underground tunnel into a federally funded drag-racing track. The track is expected to create hundreds of jobs in the form of pit crews and concessions workers, and will allow President Clinton to impress important foreign dignitaries with America's wheelie technology.

Despite this promising alternate plan, most involved with the monkey collider project feel the sudden cuts in funding are inexcusable. "It is a travesty of science," Reed said. "I remember the joy I felt in college when I would launch monkeys at one another with big rubber bands, and this project would have been even more enlightening."